I'm sick of social isolation. The connections I have are just superficial right now. I doubt she even knows, despite the fact she's been in withdrawal. Does she feel as worthless as I do right now? I can't help but wonder...
Who is she? You didn't ask, but I'm can better I'm damn well going to tell you.
My best friend, the person I love most in this who world right now, and the single person who matters to me enough to not kill myself and put an end to my sad excuse of an existence. She's been sick though... so sick, and I know she experiences depression and intrusive thoughts like I do. I also wonder if, had she been given the capacity, she would have killed herself by now, or at least attempted. How long has she been in recluse by now? I can't say, because my sense of time is so shitty, but I know it's been far too long. I miss her smile and laughter. I miss the way her face would light up as I made her laugh. She may not believe it about herself, but believe she's so beautiful in so many ways. I don't know if she realizes to what extent she matters to me, and even if I had the chance to speak to her directly, she's probably such an empty shell right now, it couldn't reach her...
She's suffered the death of a close relative, blood sickness, a surgery to get her catheter taken out so a biopsy could be performed because she's been so sick, another surgery to replace it, and then here uncle got thrombitis, her aunt has 3 anneurisms, and her mother might have pneumonia. I have no doubt in my mind that she is condemning herself in ways her poor soul doesn't deserve. She was born with a hemorrhage of her cerebellum, effective paralyzing her waste-down for life, which is why she's on a permanent catheter mounted above her bladder. I want to hug her so she could feel there is somebody there, somebody real, not just somebody she's been speaking with over the internet. No just something intangible, as if a dream. My dream had been to transfer to her university this next term, but that obviously won't happen happen now that I've been bedridden so long. I have a severe form of wasting syndrome I'm dealing with; essentially what final stage cancer patients experience. I would give anything to meet her. Even if it was at the expense of dying whenever she did, without her being bound to my health.
I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes in a panic attack, and know what she's going through, I see her, I see a flash of her situation. Whenever we next talk, I turn out to have been correct... it's definitely more complicated than that, and that'll belong somewhere in another paragraph.
These are the sorts of things I tell her:
After she had told me this:
"I have to do a certain amount of work per day or else I go to bed thinking I'm unlovable, lazy, useless, and if I do something wrong, then I think I'm unworthy of affection, and if I'm in that kind of mood (at least once daily) then I can't see any good qualities at all"
Jacqueline Guerrero
For better or for worse, I intend to be there for you throughout your hardships and triumphs. The dynamic qualities of a friendship are spawned through together overcoming the good and the bad, and such is the case that trust builds. My caring for you is a lot, regardless of what you think I should feel... regardless of how you perceive your own level of self-worth. I see you and I know it's scary. I feel when are suffering often; there's a link there that is inexplicable, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Our friendship has given my life meaning.
If I hadn't met you... I don't know where I'd be or if I'd be, and I don't mean that in a hyperbolic fashion. I know you feel my pain too, frequently (regardless of your self-doubt, I see it reflected in your eyes), and that mutually scares the shit out of me, but I know... with absolute certainty that because I know you, I can never be alone in this place again. Though I have an aversion towards my personal feelings, you have saved that dying aspect. It wasn't completely single-sided... it took faith on my parent, however, without you it wouldn't have happened. Without either of us being who we are, it wouldn't have happened, regardless of your intended bridging shenanigans Escapism doesn't work that way
Maybe it does seem overly effusive on my part, maybe it's scary. We certainly both have trauma, though the perception may be to certain extents... there is a connection. A connection I had no control over... led me into the life of a very valuable friend whose companionship, regardless of how selfish saying his may be, I would not trade for anything. My faith in you allows me to counter my thoughts and push through the fear, despite being frozen. You've brought me to life in the respect that the part of me I had essentially killed is now... a part of me again. Your fears and doubts regarding misinterpretation are like my own. You may know what I need, despite me denying it, but I also know what you need, despite denying it, and... saying these things is what I do for myself, too. It's not out of any form of necessity, but it makes me feel happy to force once in my life feel I am able to safely convey them without judgement.
I know you get depressed like I do. My energy level goes to shit as well, but I also know that despite being an introvert, even if nothing is said, sometimes (despite denying it as much as externally and consciously possible) having a friend by your side, someone who takes you as you are, accepts you, and still loves you, is a blessing. Even it could be considered life-saving/changing. You do not have to be here for me all of the time, but what I sincerely hope is that you do not hide for my sake... hide your smile, your sadness, your pain, or things of that nature. I have some other abilities I haven't shared with you, but it kind of makes it impossible.
You have helped me resolve some of my underlying shame issues, and goddammit, I'm going to be here to help you resolve some of mind. Even if it seems I am talking to the wall, unless you downright tell me my caring is not something in any way beneficial, I'm going to be relentless, not for your sake, but for my own. Finally I am able to be authentically myself... in all of my emotional and mushy glory And you know what? With you, I enjoy every moment of it. I will assume, until you tell me, that my words are not in vain, even if you aren't reciprocating, and I take no tabs, because in my mind, heart, spirit, you owe me absolutely nothing, while I owe you absolutely nothing. The only reason I do this is out of love. It's not normal, not what was natural, but what is normal and natural may not always be best for a person. Once my heart is set like this, all else be damned. I'm a stubborn son-of-a-bitch
I love you now, and if at any point I truly love somebody, I will love them always. Not everybody can make it that far into my heart but I know, even if you don't trust yourself, I have absolute faith you'll be doing your best as you know it at all time, not with the intention of hurting me.
Perhaps for the first time, hiding physically does not hide your pain from someone you're not in close proximity... so if you need help, I ask you that, even if you do fear, please do not succumb if you can so help it.
I'll never forget having specifically been somebody's reason to smile, so even through the tough times, that bit of you will remain. I will work on being more honest, myself... truly honest. God knows we both have a long way to go, but we will overcome this, I swear.
Even if you didn't acknowledge this message at all, it changes nothing. Even if you're too tired to respond or reciprocate in this particular form, please trust me when I say that karma is taking care of itself....
These happy memories are permanently replacing the bad ones. This is the difference that people see. no longer am I the girl you initially knew. Now I am very much more alive and in touch with myself. And it brings them joy and hope too
~~~~
Saying it means nothing to her if she doesn't believe it.
I meant it then, I mean it now, I will always mean it.
God, give me the strength to make it through so I can be sure to make it true...
damn me if I don't.
So little endurance left to press on when meaning is absent, and love is a word that becomes stripped of whatever allure it had prior to the then future and now past... What, then, have we been left with?
Momentum crashing through the hollow world, fragmenting as if it had never existed in the first place...
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