I'm going to put this frankly:
when I was younger, I had thoughts of killing my parents. There is no way in FUCK I'm telling them that, either. It wasn't without reason, however.
You know those parents who don't allow you to have water, food, or go to the bathroom without eating? The ones who punish you for crying? The ones who, should you make any slight mistake, beat the shit out of you and destroy anything you hold dear? The ones who are absent, almost fully 6 days a week, only to come home and enter your sanctum; the only place left in the house where you don't feel your life is in danger? The ones who beat you with a belt and threaten you in ways you wouldn't imagine, that leave you so traumatized, you are left in a state of disassociation so bad, you fall into a coma?
Oops. Spoiled that one, didn't I? I didn't think you would, though. This is something I've been alone in terms of for a long time. Of course this is only vaguely touching the surface. The trauma, within this text, is bound to resurface... I dread that period in time when it does, but it is inevitable. As inevitable as people making memes about stupid shit like My Little Pony. That show isn't even worthy of proper recognition from me.
I tend to go on tangents sometimes, but you'll get used to it. There are no rules here: not in my mind, not in the reality of this journey. Fuck the police. Grammar Nazis: quit being bigot fascists. There's more depth to a person than their ability to spell correctly and conform to the classic rules of English grammar.
Am I really that much of an asshole? Maybe. To be honest, I have no idea. It's an interesting thing to be so disconnected from your sense of self that you not only doubt the reality surrounding you is less than a dream, but that you, yourself, consist of empty space.
No, I'm not pmsing, I have bi-polar disorder and am a partial misanthropist. Ask me again later, and I may be a spiritual guru, saying the answer to the universe is love. Ask me yet again, and I'll say being nothing is the same as being a criminal, and I should experience something worse than simple damnation.
I don't fear hell, because throughout my life, this is what I've understood this place to be.
When you have lost everybody who was close to you, not through your behavior, but life circumstances or malicious behavior, or death, there may this tendency to become a little cynical. Hmm... I wonder why THAT may be.
Oh look, I went on a tangent again? I should tell you more about what I've been doing when I stepped aside from writing this bull:
In terms of my book, I'm about I'm 5,000 words behind, but I'm tired. 5,000 words isn't that much when you're rambling because you damn well feel like it, and no other reason but that. I think I may increase my daily quote to about 5,000 words a day. That's not that bad. 150,000 words by the end of the month. Approximately 525 pages or (likely) more. That's not hard when I'm used to writing 150 a week, from back when I used to engage in writing, sparsely. I'm about 7,500 words behind, as of tomorrow, assuming I want to meet the 150,000 goal, but that's not significant, imo. I'm 100% certain I would at the very, very least meet the 100,000 mark. The books may or may not be shitty, but oh well. they'll just have to deal with it. It's not like I really have anything better to do with my life than just sit and ramble as if I'm talking to myself in public or something. Not that I ever do that, but it kind of sounds like fun. Not sure what would come out of my mouth, but I'm sure it'd at least amuse some people. Or get the attention of a school counselor. there's a 50-50 chance, there, excluding the possibility of both, I imaging. It's not as if I don't have >9,000 things spinning through my mind at any given second, anyways, it's just that nobody really cares to know. I don't care, though. Confidential: burn after reading.
Memory wipe, MK-ultra, aliens, double-think; hell, maybe they're all the same thing. Can't forget the lizard people, of course. Many conspiracy theorists would be very unsettled. More likely, they'll be offended by the rest of what I'd have to say about that.
Not my problem. I've already thoroughly establish I have a propensity towards being an asshole with an inclination towards misanthropy.
Ooooooh, look at me. I'm such a rebel, I used an internet acronym in a novel. Take that English teachers!
At least I hadn't assimilated their soul-stripping dogma and prostituted myself as a whore of classic academia that imposed standards which would have left me, without my resiliency, creatively crippled. omgwtfusor00dnotevnusingcapstodistinguishwhatyou'resayingwhileusingacronyms. At least I gave you an apostrophe.
Bitches love apostrophes.
Back on track, so how did I result the conundrum of my fear of being a psychopath? Welp:Yup, I feel much better. No ocd harassment. I know I'm not a psychopath; I know I have a fear of being one because I share -some- commonalities, but I forget that to share some commonalities with any given disorder does not qualify you. We all have moments when we are more callous than others, and that's human, but I recognize the difference between me and a psychopath is that I feel shame at the thought of the things I have done. It was the shame that compelled me towards self-disclosure. I felt fear, I felt remorse, and I have strived to become a better person because of those things. It's a large part of what got me to where I am today, so even though those things may have occurred in the past, I acknowledge it is the present that defines my future, and it is in the present that I make the changes that redefine my self-concept. If I were a psychopath, I would have no concern. Being honest in this case would not benefit me because it would put me in a position for you to keep an eye on me even more, and honestly, I think that's a good thing. If I overlook something, or if I make a mistake, I would like to know. I just have to learn that my flaws are not who I am, but qualities that I possess that can be changed or helped. I have to remember how much I have changed for the better.
That is all.~~~
...for the time-being, to say the least.
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